leladancer18


Just Be

Nothing compares, no worry or cares, regrets and mistakes they're memories made


"If I can dream a dream that is worth the keep"
leladancer18
I need to sort out everything one thing at a time. I feel like there's all these thoughts, feelings, desires and disappointments that I need to make sense of, so I am gonna do that here. Where else am I gonna find solace? My "best friends" and I haven't really been close to each other for a long while; no, if we ever were. It's...just growing up, going our own separate ways with our lives. If I stop to think about it, I recognize how sad I become because I grew up with these three girls and I know loved them completely, looked up to who they were and what I believed our friendship stood for. In the end, as I gradually was changed by what I was going through everyday and school, I realized we weren't the type of friends that I idealized. I thought these girls were my sisters, people I can turn to when I've had a bad day, feel like talking, enjoy their company, share our ups and downs, and it wasn't that way. It was like I woke up from this pleasant dream one day and saw that we aren't as great of friends as we'd like ourselves and others to assume that we were. We called each other best friends, but I hardly talked to them anymore. We have our busy lives, but never took the time to really reach out and connect with one another about informing each other of what was important to us and I considered those missed conversations and time as significant. Who doesn't know that their best friend went on vacation at work, especially when we worked at the same shitty establishment? Yeah, um, you tell me.

I got this tattoo with two of the three. At the time, I did it to be more spontaneous and wanted a permanent way to demonstrate how much I cared about my friends, who had been there for me more than my family had. I treasured the relationships I thought we had: one of a kind and irreplaceable in their depth and shared appreciation of having someone else understand who I was: flaws and good points and all. I've come find that we aren't really great together, that what ultimately ties us is a fond history of what we went through. We keep holding on to that memory.

-
I went to California recently. It was beautiful and extremely nice to get away. I felt like such a failure and disappointment in myself over most of the summer: just graduated with my Bachelor's, believed I'd find the perfect entry level job, and study like a pro for GREs, and be promoted in my research lab...and that just didn't happen one way or another. In general, I set these ridiculously high goals for myself and watch myself fail to meet them, which left quite a strong bitter taste in my mouth for not being who I wanted to be quick enough. My time frame didn't allow for mistakes, even though a larger, maturer part of me learned that it was okay to make mistakes, to fail, and learn from your mistakes in order to do better, to achieve more. Writing this paragraph only continues to reaffirm my awareness of how controlling, rigid, perfectionist I am and can be. I am seriously my own worst critic. I can't have people thinking negatively about me. I don't want that. I want people's respect and admiration. I kind of want it all: to be known, establish, wealthy, and successful in both life, career, and family.

I looked around LA: the hotels, the shops, the people, atmosphere, the smaller streets and visited different parts of Cali too. I was at the [Huntington] beach again for the second year in a row and it felt good. This time instead of being cautious and wary, I went in the water and I guess it's a mark of how far I've come in conquering my childish fears, since I was pretty far in the waters. I was also willing to play volley with Tiff, Simon, Sarah, and Wilson. That was good. I never let myself play sports. I always knew I never had the skills, but it didn't matter this time. I knew we were all playing for fun, so it really didn't matter if I was good or not. I joined in and I had a blast. That was the whole point. I'm glad I did.

Another thing that I thought of at the beach was how serene and tranquil the setting was. I could see myself living in the area, going to grad here. My dream school has always been UCLA and it still is. I just need to get myself there. That means tons of research, research, hard work, persistence, initiative, and inner motivation. I need support, people to believe in my vision. I don't want to fall flat on my face. The one thing I've notice about myself is that I'm simply sort of completely terrified of going after what I want. It's not something small where it will be okay if I change my mind. It's sort of everything, y'know? I want this dream to come alive and thrive so much. I burn bright with it in how much it may as well consume me. And I'd think, 'How can I feel this much? Want something this much and how can no one see it as clearly as me?' I suppose the very idea is a bit of a stretch and inherently selfish. Why does anyone have share my dream? They're not supposed to after all.

I refuse to let fear paralyze me.

I am for bigger and greater things in life.

I am. 

yesterday
leladancer18
I dreamed of my ex and ex-friend last night. I don't know what to make of it to be honest. We were in their apartment I think and we were just having a good time. He and I were, like we didn't have our history, like we were actually really good friends and the old feelings were definitely still there to a certain extent, but it didn't feel right to do anything about it any more. I knew we wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I've been able to admit that for a while now. It's been some time. The thing that gets to me most is while I was dreaming, it felt so vivid. He was there. She was there too, and it felt like I was living a perfect world or something. Was this my subconscious finally saying, 'hey, you're okay?' I'm confused because I don't know exactly what all of it means.

It's been brought to my attention that I need to continue to fight for what I feel, who I am, and what I have to offer. "I need to follow through" and I will. Watch me.

I wanted to thank everyone in my life that is part of the lab right now. EBD, AO, EKS, MM, BD, TAL, and KW, GC who are all my friends and mentors, who continue to challenge and inspire every day. Seeing your passionate natures, intelligence, empathy, and drive have all touched me in some way. I'm really lucky to work with such excellent individuals. They are all successes and such bright things are within their futures. I know it, and I would hope that I can consider myself to be one of them. *fingers crossed*

Nothing changed. This summer graduated and had such high, unrealistic hopes and the meticulous plans crashed and burned, and I felt like an absolute complete and utter failure because I didn't meet my goals. I didn't do what I set myself out to complete and that upset me. Part of it comes from how rigid and controlling my personality is, but I just don't like to fail in general. There's that, I know this truth and I've been dealing with it as best as I can and I believe that's all you can really do in most situations. Let that be okay. Let that be enough.

Thank you. I am so lucky, once again, to be part of this lab. I'm learning so much about what I'm capable and things that are gonna affect my future. It's time to start now. 

You could say anything
leladancer18
I'm at a place where I'm beyond where I want to be, need to be, even feel like being. Why do I surround myself around people who are excellent at not keeping their word? It would be nice to be shown through their actions that our relationship matters to them. Suggested nice gestures aren't going to cut it in reality. That's what I learned. People rarely do what they're expected or supposed to. They disappoint you, make you regret believing in their goodness with excuses of "too busy," "not enough time," sugarcoat the painful reality of false promises. I hate that. Can you stop with the pretenses? I'd really like you to be genuine with me. I don't think that's too much to ask, but I'm rapidly finding out time and time again that it apparently is. That seriously makes me sad. How could I let myself continue to get into these situations? Why do I keep doing it? Because I'm afraid that I can't make new worthwhile friends? Maybe I am. I've known these people for almost 10 years, how do I not care? I've never been good at "not caring." The problem has always been "caring too much."

If you ask me if I can be kind? Hell yeah, I can be since I am kind person by nature, but there so many types of people who either don't know better, don't care, narrow-minded or judgmental mental that honestly tests my patience and benevolence. But what do I do in these challenging situations? Borrowing from famous lyrics from Eminem: "I grit my teeth and I try to make it work."  I always do and most days, there's no reward or pat on the back. It's a totally thankless job. If I lost complete faith in humanity, I wouldn't at least try to be polite or nice, now would I? The ones who keep me going are the ones who believe in me and what I'm capable of. Unfortunately, I don't know many people that do.

I went to see "Back to the Future" yesterday. It was kind of a mental event that lasted for a couple days. This specific movie theatre brings to mind a trail of bittersweet, better left forgotten memories now. I used to go here to hang out and to watch movies. I have images of friends in different instances with pictures of where I'd been and who I was then. The worse ones included someone who I considered a good friend and someone I fiercely loved and all the tainted betrayal that lays at their wake even after all the destruction has turned to ashed and swept away (cliches piled upon cliches from the this sentence: ha!). I just trusted them so much and they went behind my back. My present is good and I'm actually proud of who I've become. It took me such a long time to get where I reside, but that doesn't mean that this event isn't burned in my memories. I had this dream two nights before. He and I were back together. He was acting sweet, calling "babe" and trying to persuade me to go somewhere or kiss- something, and even unconscious, I knew that the feeling wasn't right. I knew that there existed a "C" and "S" belonged/married her in real life. I get it and that's why I pushed him away. A few nights before that: he was in my dreams too, and in some ways, it was hard to see and interact with the dream him: all things that I fell in love with him for, what he did, who he was, how he made me feel were all there, y'know? The memories were so vivid, and I can't make that of anything other than it's best to acknowledge, and quickly move on. I'm not 17 anymore. I'm not in high school. I'm not trying to figure out what I'm going to do with college or have no license. In the five years since everything, I've decided on a major, I passed my driver's test, I interned at three different organizations, learned about relationships, people, been disappointed, hurt, made mistakes, learned how to do deal with situations and have better mindsets. I got a job. I've made money and spent it. I know (almost) exactly what I want to do with my life and my career. I keep striving to arm myself with the necessary tools to get there. I know myself better, and gradually accepting the person I was and the person I'm becoming. 

Shadow of the Grey
leladancer18
I'm just struggling to live in a world that is constantly making me more jaded by people's treatment of others. It seems like everyone around me is constantly disappointing me. And I'm sorry if I sound selfish, let me be that for an hour. Then, I'll work on letting everything go.

J, shouldn't be thinking about you, am I? We're honestly at a place where I'm past it, at least I thought so. But then, you offered to walk me to my car after all our friends left and I kept affirming to myself that what we were doing was perfectly friendship only; that our history didn't have to make us not even be friends. I learned to keep my distance because I don't think you can handle us being close so I stayed away. Last night threw me off, especially when we said goodbye; you touched my shoulder and it felt like that was laced with more intentions. I can't go down that road with you again. You and I both know better. I refuse, okay?

MA, get out of my head. I'm not going to remember you and the memory of you won't affect me so. You're not worth it. You played me anyway. Why the hell should I care? I don't.

CL, CM, AD, KT, AM, can you stop flaking out on me? I wish I had some of that naivete back into my life. I've been hurt by you all for so many different reasons. Canceling plans. Informing of things on such late notice. Messing with my head. Not allowing me to express my feelings. Believing in your views instead of listening to mine. Invalidating my views and feeling. The list goes on and on. I get sick of fake pretending to be alright and happy about how our friendship runs, alright? Are you? Are you even aware? The answer's no, right? I'm also sick of trying and reaching out when I'm met by constant silence, half-hearted replies, and indifference. Is that alright, yeah? Is that alright? Is that alright....with you. No. I used to think so much of you and to feel this back is beyond terrible.

I get exhausted, unmotivated, and restless sometimes. The other times I let myself be ruled by time, schedules, drive, and passion...putting yourself into so much of everything may get great results, but it also leaves you drained. I'm still learning to distinguish between enough and too much. I guess that's somewhat of a tall order to separate and it's named a process for a reason.

I'm completely invested in my future that I often feel like I'm not living in the present because my mind is "go, go, go." I don't eat breakfast. I'm always rushing out the door with a different bag each time and I conduct mental inventory checklists as if my life depends on it and it's a lot of work to manage both a personal and professional life. Want to know what's the absolute worst part? On particularly bad days, I hate not knowing if I'm succeeding in what I set out for myself, like this extreme pressure might win me over one day.  

(no subject)
leladancer18
I want to stop thinking about MA. He's been kind of under my thoughts and I hate that. I know he's not worth it, and that I didn't really do anything wrong. I just really liked him for like almost half a year. We were "whatever we were" and he messed around me a little, gave me false hope, and I couldn't keep telling him everything like I started to because it wasn't going anywhere. Not fair that I have to repress memories about that one time one hung out and how he kissed me or of that time we walked up and down Harmon. Oh, and he has my limited/special edition of "Ender's Game," my favorite childhood book--which sucks, because I don't think I can buy another exact copy. I made the mistake of thinking he was nice even though he was an asshole to about everyone else. I wasn't smart there.

I hung out with BL and JS lately. I was pleasantly surprised to discover, I could be fine interacting with JS. I mean with our terrible history aside, I honestly didn't ever believe it was possible to not feel guilty for breaking his heart. I never meant to and it happened anyway. Mutual friends were pretty angry with me, and in some ways, while it was another serious mistake I made at the time (2011) in "going out" with him in the first place, but I just had to know for sure if I only kept repressing feelings for him and it could be something if I let it or if it was really nothing there at all. I had to take that shot in order to find out--that meant dates and I don't know how that ended up like it did. One week of texting and going on maybe two dates and then I told him we couldn't be serious because I knew although he was sweet and trustworthy, I didn't feel what I thought I should have. To this day, I'm certain BL would stand her opinion: "One day, you'll look back and regret not sticking it out with him. I don't know what you, CM, and AD talk about--sparks. Those are just in books and movies. That's not realistic. I personally would want a guy that that's there for me and who I know would stick around." I edited her phrasing a bit, but the general message is clear: someday, you'll regret it. Really nice to hear by the way. See there's a reason why I can't be around BL too much. I feel like she drains my optimism away when she's stating her worldviews. She honestly believes her ways are the best; it gets to be too much.

KT, you are one fun girl. I love hanging out with you. It feels like I can act less uptight when I'm with you. We don't really talk about anything of depth. It's both a pro and a con. I wish we could, but I never got the impression/feeling that you would be fine if I actually told you what's on my mind. There's this barrier. I'm a couple of years older than you, but those years seem to make a difference. We're at different stages of life. You're not even 21 yet, and I'm 23, about to graduate, get a Bachelor's in Counseling, and hopefully, about to take the world by storm. I wish we could, but I don't know if we'll get there.

CM, I don't mean to piss you off sometimes at work. I know you're manager now, but you still need to learn patience. I hope you know that I'm doing the best I can in that toxic environment. It constantly gets frustrating involved.

AD, we're basically acquaintances now. Urgh. That means you too, CM and BL.

BL, I just don't know what you want me to say. Yes, there's a reason why we weren't close last year. You did something that just greatly alienated me. You told me what CS said and it pushed me to write this formal letter, saying that I'm doing well now, and that I hope everyone has moved on. It hurt me because you were my best friend and you saw the situation as about half my fault. That's really unfair. Hey, he's the one that emotionally cheated on me for months with his best friend/current wife at the moment. I just wanted the parties to be free of everything. It was very personal and I needed to send that out, but all you saw was that I had "betrayed" you by wanting to send it out in the first place. You're always telling me once someone deeply hurts someone else, it's hard to not have their opinion of the other be same. It's inherently different so that's what you are to me too. Different. Not exactly good or bad different, but "I can't see you the same. I'm sorry, but really, I'm not sorry. It made me see who you were underneath." Hey, remember that time you didn't believe in my dream? Remember, how 2-3 years later you said you admitted you were wrong and that you think I can make it? Yeah, there are those gaps that you don't know just how deep they run.

My future: I see myself conducting therapy with clients. I was teaching university students and in another vision, I had this cute little girl; didn't see a husband in the picture. Can't say I'm surprised. No matter how much I desired a nice guy in the good ole long-term plan, I haven't believed in the idea of steady relationships, of finding the right person since I was 17. That's 6 years. Time flies by quick.

Someday
leladancer18
I wanted to share a poem I recently wrote even though I know not a lot people are going to read this. Letting out my feelings is important exercise and way to relive tension so that's what I'm gonna do.
-----------
"It Is What It Is"

I tell myself, ‘It’s just a choked up feeling,’
Where my lungs continue to collapse on me,
And tears of weakness gather at my dark eyes.
‘It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t,’ I insist
But it mostly does.
 /
And I try not to let the relationship affect me so,
Because I am stronger than that,
I know better and yet, I can’t help but return to a happier memory:
You and I were laughing with bright spirits guiding us,
We said, “Sisters forever.”
I believed that nothing could tear us a part then.

Only I discovered, you were painting idealism inside my mind,
Content to say pleasantries in place of true intentions,
While I got lost in swimming confusion,
Too deep to once question your loyalty or affection,
Until your betrayals reached a point where I could no longer stand.

So I broke, little by little,
The corners of my jagged heart coming out more jaded and un-whole,
Knowing things would never be how they were before,
Because how can I ever see you, respect you, and love you the same,
When I finally saw how you treated me firsthand?

Oh, you can’t answer me now
But how can you,
When you won’t even admit you might have been wrong?
So I keep my distance and lick my sore wounds in silence,
I forgive you, and with time, we both move on,
Never acknowledging exactly what happened.

I wanted you to genuinely be sorry,
Didn’t think that was too much to ask for,
I guess it is for you,

And I’m left reeling,
Instinctively understanding,
It is what it is.
--------
In other news, I'm graduating on the 19th of this month and I am so excited I could burst. It's been a challenging adventure of 5 years, y'know? All that hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. To finally know that 'Hey, I made it,' when there were so many people who doubted me and the thought of me succeeding my dreams was laughable to them in the first place. I got to prove them wrong and you don't know how satisfying it was to know that, to keep that with me. I have to admit I'm pretty tired at the moment, and it's kind of hard to come up with words to describe the feeling, but I will keep on trying anyway.

What sticks out to me right now is a discussion post I wrote for my internship class a few weeks ago. In there, I revealed my reasoning and passion for choosing my future profession, and it continues to resonate well even now because of how completely honest I was in composing that response. I said, "I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be studying as hard as I do. I wouldn't be putting in as much time, effort, and commitment writing this very discussion if this wasn't exactly what I wanted to do."

This feels like growing up: learning how to take care of myself, how to decide what's best for me, how to decide what's my next step, constantly figuring out who I am and being okay with that, moving forward. 

Give Me Love (Like Never Before)
leladancer18
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwccwVbAFMM

For New Year's Eve, I worked in the morning 8-4, went home at around 5, barely went online before getting ready to go to a bonfire. Spent that night with co-workers/acquaintances. Drank/partied too hard. Had Smirnoff mixed with Skye, drank more than usual. My other friends were drunker though. One threw up multiple of times. The other threw up and hooked up with this guy and encouraged me to do the same. I was pretty buzzed, but still aware of what was happening. A co-worker tried to make out with me. I chatted up with this one guy that was younger than me. Don't think I drank this much (I'm a lightweight), ever. Was out til 5am. Had fucking work at 7, which takes 30 minutes to get there and about 15-20 minutes to get up and dressed for work. Slept for like 40 minutes-1 hour. It was brutal enough, but I've gotten to a point where working past exhaustion is the norm. Thought I could handle it until after I came back from break and literally the smell of bacon and other EoS food made me extremely nauseous and wouldn't go away. I switch to two different stations. Stayed taking orders for a couple of hours, but I must've looked pretty horrible because supervisor/manager kept checking up on me so went home early. 

Had another family obligation. Weird, because this year was the most my relatives have ever tried to get together with each other. Been spending so much time with them in different gatherings late at night, and running practically zero sleep, working, and crashing after. Spending time with them has shattered my meticulous plans of finishing CITI modules. I actually had to request extending my interview. Couldn't get that many modules done before deadline. Hoping this will be fine with the interviewer/research assistant. 

About the bonfire, I wanted to go out, but not that late, and nothing too crazy, but the accompany that I was with is another story. I don't think they have their priorities straight. I thought I'm glad I still have my head on straight (for the most part). So I did this crazy thing, I went out even though I knew full well I had work at 7 in the morning. I wanted to do something eventful for New Years though. Every year except maybe senior year of high school and that one odd year I slept over C's house that I did anything other than stayed up late watching the fireworks from my house. I wanted to prove I wasn't boring, and I wasn't bored. At point, a co-worker told me something I've heard before and there was this claim that they heard I was a party girl and that's not true at all. I mean yeah I like to go to clubs sometimes and really dance, but that's not a big deal. Because I was overwhelmed with school this semester I hardly went out at all. Sometimes I feel so mature and wise beyond my years and the thing is I'm only 22, but a lot of the time I feel 23-24 already, while I watch all these other people past by. I had this feeling of going out more since I hadn't been able to take the time to relax and socialize all semester. There was never time for any of it (what I consider extras; many would consider essentials; I can be alone and do what needs to be done, while others can't sit still enough). Knowing what I know, with the experiences under my belt that I do, I didn't want to get to point of letting the joys of life and age slip. So yeah, I got drunk and celebrated New Years. I tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty but I think I do anyway. 

People
Some are kind. Others aren't. Those closest to you will ultimately disappoint you, but you (unfortunately, rather taxing-ly) feel for them despite their gigantic flaws. It hurts knowing their human-ness, how easily it is people to be selfish and fuck over those that get in their way; doesn't matter the relationship. I'm wiser with people and coming out of these petty, melodramatic friendship breaks just leaves me feeling apathetic. I expected a lot from them, counted on these people, loved them whole-heartedly, trusted them inexplicably, and all I see is down, down, that dark abyss of failures and disappointments. I try to move past it, but I get tired easily. If there's an empty apology or even no apology at all, I'd wish you fixed what your wrong doings. That's the greatest gift you can do, not cry and stay exactly where you're at, proclaiming foreign innocence and false misunderstandings. I've had enough of that bullshit honestly. Hey, I can fake politeness too. In fact, I'd say I can do it better than you, but you are the master of repression and denial so what's your defense? What's your plead this time? Don't. I'm not going to hear your lies. Thank you very much.

And I get that your busy, but I feel like if I texted you, what would be the point? Starting a conversation wouldn't do good if you're not willing to put in the effort. I hate how I have to go over what I've said only come my original conclusion. What I think is what I think. What I feel is what I feel and I refuse to feel guilty or bad over something that is right for me. End of story, if I'm only I can take it that way. We have this "non-relationship", one where we'd hang out for all hours of late nights and early mornings, one where we'd open up, have a great time, and it's not a friendship, but it's no where near a romance. There's major flirting your part and some on mine, but it doesn't go anywhere, always on the crisp of tipping either way. And I'm been an indecisive person, but you've confusing me with how you act. I've tried to set things straight, but each time I do, it feels like I mess up and never what I want. I don't think you can give me what I want, huh? So I don't know what we'd be like as a couple, but the fact that we're so different gives me great caution and that is worth noting. We got so close at point that it scared me how much I depended on you, and that is unacceptable. I want to keep my independence more than anything. I learned the first time that one guy isn't worth losing your own identity for. I hate the distance for the past few weeks. I'm afraid I might have something to do with that, but you're entirely scott free either to be honest. I didn't want anyone to be hurt, but this thing with you is like intentionally "undefineable" and I loathe that part with a passion. Are you that busy now? We've always been able to text every other day at least and now it's either no reply or short ones and not even goodbyes at work. It makes me real sad, but I suppose I can live with it. I have with everything else. 

I am content with being single. I'm proud of myself for actually feeling that fact, and fuck all of you who are nosy people about my love life. Why can't women in their early twenties (or in general) be single? What the hell is wrong with wanting to be unattached? There is a tremendous amount to accomplish and see first and foremost, before settling down, being serious with somebody and popping out kids. 

No special title for this
leladancer18
I have to write this down real quick. I don't have long. I should be 62 pages and write 4 discussion posts (400 words title). Yeah, why did I think it was great idea to sort of procrastinate. I know I'm going to finish this at 12 or so. 

Anyway, I wanted to write out my feelings. I need to filter and make sense of them. 

PM's last day was today. I was a little sad to find out. She's been at EOS longer than I have and now she's not gonna be working there. I'll miss her but she doesn't want to be stuck here. Understandable. This place is one of the crappiest environment to be able at. Enough said there. 

Thursday was my last day of internship. It was anticlimatic to be honest. It felt really important to me. After all the work I put in the place and all the experiences I've gathered and grown from, I couldn't quite it was over. For most people on staff, it was another Thursday, but for M and I, it was an accomplishment, an ending, and a new beginning all at once. I really valued and cherished the time I spent at The PRACTICE. 

I think I'm a lot more jaded and skeptical about the world and the people in it. On another contary note, I'm starting to realize that I really need people in my life (and a wider range of social networks). I kind of look around those (supposedly) closest to me and I've found that friendships are pretty temporary, that they can be convenient or best forgotten, despite others' best intentions. I just don't really know what to say to all of this. I have people that I'm connected with: some for years, others for less, and the few that say they'll be there-- often fall short; like I know they'll be flaky on plans, never get back to me. Everyone's going to do what's best for them, even at the expense of me a lot of times. It's just a sharp sting to know that. I can ignore it for a bit and I can pretend it doesn't hurt, but it does. I'll try harder to shove it under the metaphorical rug. It shouldn't mean that much, right? Don't make it a big deal? It is to me. 
  • For example, an acquaintance eavesdropped on a conversation between two other friends (more like acquaintances?) of mine, and she revealed that the other two may not have cared enough to wait out a week before seeing a movie, which I thought was lame because they told me yesterday, they hadn't gone out since the end of October, but now suddenly couldn't wait to hang out without me? Damn, the Xth time friends say something and flake on me again and again and again. It struck me hard (today) that this girl (the first acquaintance) knew me better than some of these other people who I'm supposedly closer to. She knew that I wouldn't go out or anything until after I was finished my schooling, and I was amazed by her understanding of who I was as person. She understood how important school meant to me. Not a lot of people fully understand that priority. I didn't expect her of all people to completely know about me. I guess I slowly came to the conclusion that this one was my friend after all. She listens and share her thoughts. It's all genuine and I need that from people. I can respect her, no matter what kind of horrible things many at work say about her. Personally, I never really shared their opinions. I mean she has her flaws, but everyone does. 

I was explaining to my supervisor my experience at my internship and she commented that I seemed happy...I agreed with her assessment. I know where I'm head in school, in life, and in career. It's both exhilarating and terrifying. I told her my future plans. I'm hoping to get a spring intern at Family Research Services as a research assistant and I'm leaning towards a clinical psychology program. I was happy and I believe I appeared confident in identifying what I wanted to do with my life, and also taking the necessary steps to get there. I'm only beginning to realize the extent of potential that I have. It is brilliant and I always had the strength to make it through. 

"But this love is brave and wild..."

There's this restlessness, strumming through my chest and bursts through my fingertips, I have this dream that I'm putting literally everything towards and I don't know for sure if it'll all work out, but this passion just keeps going, challenging me to greater depths and I can't find in me to ever stop unless I really give it a go and it doesn't work out for some huge legitmate reason, then I would know that I'd have tried. This time I know it would be enough if I did that. 

I look around this place, I see the people and do the tasks that's been given to me, and I just find it all a little meaningless. This state of constant distress and unhappiness is everyday mundane, supposed fleeting, and it really, really is. I'm meant for so much more than being a sandwich maker. I'm smart and I look nice when I dress up. I refuse to be afraid longer 'cause what's really stopping me is me (more times than other) so I'm learning to say, "I can and I will" instead of, "I can't and I shouldn't at least try."

(entry) Where I Stood
leladancer18


This one's for me! It's sad to realize that some people are just set in their ways and unfortunately can't be a decent person. I've been relearning that you can't always trust those closest to you because I believe I've made some huge mistakes as far as "loved ones" may be concerned.

But it's alright. It's okay. I'll be better and come out stronger than anyone thought.

(fic) All This Time 1/1
leladancer18
Title: All This Time
Pairing: Mark/Eduardo
Word Count: 739
Notes: sequel to 'Calls Me Home'
For skyearth85 who convinced me into it, lol. Thanks.


Eduardo,

I’m not sorry about what happened. Okay, the better way to say this is that I’m not sorry for what I did because that was right for the company. I didn’t like hurting you though. I only did what was best.

Facebook was based in California and where were you? New York? Yeah, I thought so. Here’s where you’ll look at me with stupid, sad eyes but I’m stating a fact. You weren’t there when everything was going faster than anyone of us could have imagined. You spent fourteen hour days riding subways to get meetings? Honestly, who needed their money? The place to establish the company further was always here. You didn’t understand that, couldn’t wrap your linear model mind to the idea. The business wasn’t ever what you normally studied about in school. No, we were creating something new all by ourselves and I asked you to be a part of it because I wanted to go into business with my best friend. I knew you would back me up. I didn’t want anyone else for the job and I still don’t. You just had to make the wrong choices: New York instead of California, her over me, your father’s expectations over following your own.

You didn’t leave me with a choice. I kept asking you to be where I was, where the company was. Nothing turned out how I wanted them to be. I know you insisted on ads for the site but they would have undermined what I was trying to accomplish. I couldn’t have that.

That rainy night in the hallway, when you finally came out, why did it seem like it was the beginning of the end for us? You couldn’t see where I was coming from. My words fell onto death ears and never have I wanted to grab you by your wet clothes more.

I said, “I’m afraid if you don’t come out here you’re going to be left behind.”
You heard, ‘You’re getting left behind.’

I admit: “I want, no, I need you out here. Please don’t tell him I said that.”
You ignored that confession as if the sentence meant nothing, like that wasn’t hard to say aloud.

I don’t do feelings. I thought you knew that so when I said, ‘I need you,’ I meant them. I don’t know how I could have been clearer.

You were right. I was jealous over the Phoenix. I thought I deserved to be in a Final Club too and no one bothered to punch me. I guess it didn’t matter that I was smarter than some of the idiots that actually get in, being a computer genius doesn’t always get you what you want, but I wasn’t counting on them taking you away from me. We’ve always been together. I missed you and I had the right to be mad too since you’re the one who decided to freeze the accounts without telling the rest of us, jeopardizing all those hours of coding and effort I put in. I thought, ‘fine. If that’s where he would rather be, then I’m going to make it easier for him.’

I went through with the share dilutions and somehow, it still hurt like hell when you stormed in front of me while I was wired in and destroyed my laptop, spewing accusations left and right. No, I’m not only one to blame. Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.

So you want me to apologize? I don’t think I can give you that, but I do regret how I went about it.

You were infuriating at times and a nag at worse, but I will always still want you. It’s your impossibly gelled hair and your kind brown eyes that make me pause when I’m in the middle of a writing a line of code or the way that you say Mark all fond and exasperated like you can’t help the tone or grin that’s stretched across your face. You’re the guy that wants to help and who is always there…until you weren’t.

Listen, I’m not saying to forget our past, but I believe we should move forward.

Wardo, this time I’m writing back and I’m not letting go if you aren’t too.

Mark


//
His fingers cease their movement from the keyboard. He looks at the address one last time while his mouse hovers over the send option. He clicks.

?

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