I need to sort out everything one thing at a time. I feel like there's all these thoughts, feelings, desires and disappointments that I need to make sense of, so I am gonna do that here. Where else am I gonna find solace? My "best friends" and I haven't really been close to each other for a long while; no, if we ever were. It's...just growing up, going our own separate ways with our lives. If I stop to think about it, I recognize how sad I become because I grew up with these three girls and I know loved them completely, looked up to who they were and what I believed our friendship stood for. In the end, as I gradually was changed by what I was going through everyday and school, I realized we weren't the type of friends that I idealized. I thought these girls were my sisters, people I can turn to when I've had a bad day, feel like talking, enjoy their company, share our ups and downs, and it wasn't that way. It was like I woke up from this pleasant dream one day and saw that we aren't as great of friends as we'd like ourselves and others to assume that we were. We called each other best friends, but I hardly talked to them anymore. We have our busy lives, but never took the time to really reach out and connect with one another about informing each other of what was important to us and I considered those missed conversations and time as significant. Who doesn't know that their best friend went on vacation at work, especially when we worked at the same shitty establishment? Yeah, um, you tell me.
I got this tattoo with two of the three. At the time, I did it to be more spontaneous and wanted a permanent way to demonstrate how much I cared about my friends, who had been there for me more than my family had. I treasured the relationships I thought we had: one of a kind and irreplaceable in their depth and shared appreciation of having someone else understand who I was: flaws and good points and all. I've come find that we aren't really great together, that what ultimately ties us is a fond history of what we went through. We keep holding on to that memory.
I went to California recently. It was beautiful and extremely nice to get away. I felt like such a failure and disappointment in myself over most of the summer: just graduated with my Bachelor's, believed I'd find the perfect entry level job, and study like a pro for GREs, and be promoted in my research lab...and that just didn't happen one way or another. In general, I set these ridiculously high goals for myself and watch myself fail to meet them, which left quite a strong bitter taste in my mouth for not being who I wanted to be quick enough. My time frame didn't allow for mistakes, even though a larger, maturer part of me learned that it was okay to make mistakes, to fail, and learn from your mistakes in order to do better, to achieve more. Writing this paragraph only continues to reaffirm my awareness of how controlling, rigid, perfectionist I am and can be. I am seriously my own worst critic. I can't have people thinking negatively about me. I don't want that. I want people's respect and admiration. I kind of want it all: to be known, establish, wealthy, and successful in both life, career, and family.
I looked around LA: the hotels, the shops, the people, atmosphere, the smaller streets and visited different parts of Cali too. I was at the [Huntington] beach again for the second year in a row and it felt good. This time instead of being cautious and wary, I went in the water and I guess it's a mark of how far I've come in conquering my childish fears, since I was pretty far in the waters. I was also willing to play volley with Tiff, Simon, Sarah, and Wilson. That was good. I never let myself play sports. I always knew I never had the skills, but it didn't matter this time. I knew we were all playing for fun, so it really didn't matter if I was good or not. I joined in and I had a blast. That was the whole point. I'm glad I did.
Another thing that I thought of at the beach was how serene and tranquil the setting was. I could see myself living in the area, going to grad here. My dream school has always been UCLA and it still is. I just need to get myself there. That means tons of research, research, hard work, persistence, initiative, and inner motivation. I need support, people to believe in my vision. I don't want to fall flat on my face. The one thing I've notice about myself is that I'm simply sort of completely terrified of going after what I want. It's not something small where it will be okay if I change my mind. It's sort of everything, y'know? I want this dream to come alive and thrive so much. I burn bright with it in how much it may as well consume me. And I'd think, 'How can I feel this much? Want something this much and how can no one see it as clearly as me?' I suppose the very idea is a bit of a stretch and inherently selfish. Why does anyone have share my dream? They're not supposed to after all.
I refuse to let fear paralyze me.
I am for bigger and greater things in life.